so here I am

Hi world...anyone out there?
Here I am. I am about to turn 40 in a couple of days, and had a few mums at the boys school ask what I was doing to celebrate... here's the thing - I know I am doing okay, my boys are well and safe etc, but if I was to do a graph of my life, this moment would be a long way from the peak.  How does one go about making a celebration for a milestone age, when life at the moment was not as one had planned or foreseen 12 months ago? So here is the mental run down I have been doing in my head all evening:
at 18,21,30 I owned a better cars than the one I own right now
at 18,21,30 i owned better furniture and house contents than what i have right now, at the moment I still go to cook things and discover that i do not have the cooking utensils to do so.
at 30 I made double what I earn now, my hourly rate hasn't be this low since i was about 25.
I am back to renting, after walking away from the house in the separation - I hope to get some money by the end of the year - but considering the 4 years I have put into the mortgage, to be back renting hurts, along with giving up all the joint hopes and dreams we had made in that house together.
I am single - and I believed our marriage was forever, and no matter how bad things got - i truly believed we would find a way, together, I was wrong and clearly stupid.
I believed in my husband, and for what he has done, the way he has acted, the way he has treated me - clearly I got it wrong, yet I gave so much. I went back to work so he could get out of a job he hated, although all I ever wanted was to be home to raise the boys - now I have lost that special time with the boys for someone that resented me working and now I only have 50% custody of them.
While I have a job that works around the kids, and I know in terms of being a single mum - I am doing okay - it just seems pretty lame to try and celebrate a milestone birthday, when 12 months ago I was planning to spend it on a family holiday. I am going to have a family holiday - just me and the boys, and only for a weekend away at a friends beach house - cause that is all I can afford, amongst paying him child support, solicitor fees, and still buying its and pieces for the house each month.  Again - I know I am doing okay - and there are far worse off than me - it is just my personal graph that the moment dips low.
And I guess it is also the sadness of what I have put in for the last 20 years - amounts to not much, and losing the boys every other Friday, (week on, week off custody) after 8 months, still hurts beyonds belief. After I drop off the boys, I usually return home and sit in my car for 30 minutes, playing on my phone - anything, to avoid walking back in the house without them.  Then when I do make it in the house, I stay in the lounge room and even sleep there, to avoid walking past their empty rooms, cause 7 more sleeps without them is just torture. Some weekends it takes til Sunday before I can walk to my bedroom at night. 
Seeing as the other half has moved on months ago with a new partner (allot younger), I know the expectation is I am moving on, but really all I am doing is getting by.  I still can't believe how different he has been to how I thought he was - I don't even like the person he has become around me - yet part of me will love him forever despite it all. And I know we have many years of parenting ahead - so our lives will never be totally apart.
While I have been saying age doesn't matter, it is just the time you have been here, not what you have done with your life - I look at what I have done, and I guess right now it amounts to very little to show for it, and a whole lot of misplaced loyalty and trust and love. At 30 I was fit, healthy, strong, confident, secure, respected, so to advance 10 years, have less, lack confidence & self belief, unfit and feel the saddest I have ever felt - every 2nd week - it is a little hard to go out, throw a party and have fun. I love birthdays and special occasions, and I so wish I wasn't hitting a milestone birthday this week -  maybe next year I would cope better - but right now - I just want to hold my boys, breath and get through the day.
As for the title of the blogg, it is from a line form the Snow Patrol song: You could be happy.
For most nights I dream, and for the tiniest moment, it's all not true.
I have no idea why I wanted to put all this on a blogg, when I don't share this with anyone, but maybe, just maybe, some will find this and know in the sea of emotion post separation - they are not alone. Maybe some good can come out of all this. For me - I value the greater good - so maybe, by laying my soul bare - some good can come of it.