so here I am, 40 and 2 days. So what does it feel like? I think the saddness has passed with the shift out of the 30s. I don't doubt I am still going to have moments in tears, for every time I think I am done, another situation hits and they start again. I am not a cryer - in fact few people will have witnessed me in tears - ever - so it is something unusual for me to break down, so I keep on thinking I am done crying, then a few weeks later the dam of tears breaks again.
The actual day, I took off to a beach house the night before with the boys, I simply wanted to wake up somewhere that meant something to me from my pre married days, the beach house I grew up going on all holidays there, orginially owned by my grandmother, now but my uncle. The boys helped unpack the night before, so that the actual day - all we had to do was eat and play. That is what we did. The boys gave me cards in the morning that they had made. The oldest I think was stressing about not being able to get me a cake - said he didn't feel well, and maybe we shouldn't have cake today. I told him that I thought we shouldn't have cake today - I wanted to do fish and chips tonight as a treat, so to have cake to would be too much. He was really relieved when I said I didn't want cake - poor love - again not one of the things I want my child stressing about. My best friend also arrived mid afternoon with her two kids. She had balloons and a banner - so the boys were so excited to be able to suprise me with her help. They loved it, and I could see the relief and excitement in my oldest. They were all exceptional all day - and so caring that I was to have a nice day. It was touching, and that night I slept cuddled up between the boys, in a house that was built just before I was born. I think it is as close to being safe, snuggled, and loved as I can get.
Now - I feel like I have been released somewhat - the next few occassions I think will flow okay - this one was hard given we had discussed it a number of times and made some plans, and it was the exit out of an era that I walked into feeling fantastic. Probably the broken promises to myself hurt the most. I do still feel like kicking myself.
But now I have the familar rumble of determination in my gut. The "lets go and kick some butt". I had some simple goals written and stuck to my desk, I think I am going to get some old photos of my more fit days to add some power and focus to the goals. For the first time it isn't just about a level of fitness, and ability to run fast, and have endurance - I want to look good. And yes part of that drive is to render something with the ex. To be clear - we are done, his decision, and one which after the last few months I am feeling more like I dodged a bullet, and that once recovered I will be happier and stronger than I have ever been. It is the getting back to there - fighting to get fit and strong, again, with the added fun of having menopause as well. fighting to get my confidence, self worth, and trusting myself not to again repeat the same mistakes.
So lets go - lets move out of the saddness - and let the world hear me roar.
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