But to really nail this - it isn't moving into the 40s that I have an issue with - for that gives me a decade to work with, decade to improve on myself, and it is only up from here, cause rock bottom does have that advantage.
It is the exiting my 30s at rock bottom, when I entered so much higher, and had expectations of myself, and promises to myself to achieve, and be happy, and beholden to no-one. It is that disappointment that I do not measure up - on my own measuring stick - and it is my measuring stick that I have always strived to achieve and exceed. It was always my self measuring stick that counted. I know on many levels I am not a failure - it is just the sheer disappointment in the shell of a person I have become, that I cannot escape at the moment.
I am not sure that anyone really gets that.
The other thing - is I think I need to be still in the sadness - which is scaring the beeggees out of everyone I know, but I need to, in the words of my counsellor, give myself permission to be sad.
I think too often we move fast, to get to the next thing, to move on, to get over, to recover, that maybe that is why I have followed the same path in choices regarding partners.
Maybe to truly move on, I need to be still first?
I need to truly feel the sadness, the grief, the anger, the disappointment. I was given advice not to "dwell", cause that would lead to a bad place, understandable advice. I think depression has become a thing people fear - and therefore to see sadness in someone - the overwhelming reaction in everyone is to say and do things to make that person happy or at least get them back in motion going forward - natural and commendable actions - however perhaps, for a moment, like the poem, we need to not try to shift it, fix it, move it.
Maybe, for the tiniest moment, we just need to sit with it, and if possible, have others sit with us in it too - just be there - don't talk, don't relate, just for a moment - just be.
I know I will get back up, I know I will go on, and I know I will recover - but for the moment - I think I just need to be - and let the emotions come - come what may.
I know I can celebrate the milestone age - some other time, what I can't change is the status quo of the exit out of my 30's. I feel almost paralysed this week, like a deer in the headlights, it's like I wanted to start running and exercising and starting new projects, but at the same time I didn't, for I hate 1/2 arsed attempts, and I didn't want my 30s to end in a scrambled attempt to get one rung up on rock bottom.
It just adds to another reason to sit still this week, and let the emotions wash over me, for 40 will be a new beginning, with an Everest climb ahead of me, and a decade to make a difference. It also gets out the way another occasion that was originally planned with a husband on board. I think Saturday will bring a sense of relief almost, from the paralysing deer in the headlights week, from frantically feeling like I need to run, but only being able to be still instead as the train wreck of emotion hits me with full force.
So here I am in this moment, sitting with my pain, owning it, feeling it, and being still in it.
The challenge I guess is to others:
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
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