Also had a friend around, assuring me that I am doing really well. I know in the scheme of things I am, I think the kicker is at 30, I made a promise to myself that all was going to be better, for my 20s was spent in a violent and not good relationship, that ended when I was 27. Having come out of that fearing for my life, by the time I hit 30 I was ready for good times, good fortune, and happiness, and I was prepared, as always, to work hard for it. And I made a promise to myself that by my 40's I would still be fit and healthy, and really be happy. So to hit 40 and not have fulfilled my own promise to myself - well I feel disappointed. Like my 20's I have spent my 30's on trusting, having faith, and loving a person who treats me now like I am a piece of dog poo on his shoe. I am disappointed in my choices, I am disappointed in the faith I lost in my self along the way, and though I am the same size - I am no where close to being as fit and healthy as I was (fixable I know).
I deliberately dug out photos of my 30th today - for I remember feeling good about the way I looked on that day - now I can't even afford a hair color - nor have the sparkle in my eyes. I think that is the big thing - I expected more from myself - and I have come up short, real short. While I know from here I need to focus on the future, set goals, keep the bigger picture in mind - my heart aches with disappointment. Having had experience at rock bottom moments, I know these are the times that define a person, these are the moments that if you were watching a movie, you would be sitting there willing the person to get back up and fight another day. And I know I keep getting up, no matter the knock backs, the crap that has been slung at me, the abuse, the accusations, the threats, despite it all I have remained true to my spirit and soul, kept my head and remained calm and level headed. So I guess to those around me I have survived the worst, and should be revelling in the quiet after a ferocious storm, that I stood through and stayed strong through.
Yet I feel that in this quiet, I am now on my knees, with a cry of anguish that seems out of place, and is entirely unexpected.
Maybe it is the hurt seeping out, maybe it the disappointment, maybe it is the sadness of what my children have been going through, and what more is in install for them, that I have no say in. Maybe it is just life's sweet sorrow - a term I now feel I understand.
While I know the day I turn 40 will be uneventful, and truly just another day, it will also be end of the decade that was my 30's - maybe that is reason for the tears, for I entered my 30's with such hope and expectation, despite the hell I had been through, and to end them in such despair, hardly seems right. It was the decade of trying to follow my dreams, change career, then met a bloke, and threw it all in the air, on a dream of a family, being a wife, of having a home, of a happy ever after - that clearly only existed in my head. I think that is what hurts the most - I threw it all away to follow my hearts desire, and ended up in a broken place, with far less than I had before, and my soul stripped bare. While I have two beautiful boys, that make it all worth while - it is a double edged sword - for the very thing that makes it all okay - is also the very thing I cannot have more than 50% of their lives, and therefore my life has a duality I cannot come to terms with, a single side - when all I wanted to do for the last 7 1/2 years was wake up to the same person every day, for the rest of my life.
I leave you with a poem, I have held dear since finding it, about 12 years ago. One which I very much thought I had found the person who would stand in the fire with me, but I know now I was mistaken.
I also leave you with this, despite it all - I would do it all again - for as broken as I am, as the hurt seeps out of my soul, with my hand on my heart I at least know that I did remain open by life's betrayals, I did all I could to stand in the fire, I definitely did all I could to get up and do what needs to be done for the children - regardless of how bruised to the bone I have been, and I will strive to remain open once again upon recovering from this decade of betrayal.
The
Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn’t
interest me
what you do
for a living.
I want to
know
What you
ache for
and if you
dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.
of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t
interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to
know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to
know
if you can
sit with pain
mine or your
own
without
moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to
know
if you can
be with joy
mine or your
own
if you can
dance with wildness
and let the
ecstasy fill you
to the tips
of your fingers and toes
without
cautioning us
to be
careful
to be
realistic
to remember
the limitations
of being
human.
It doesn’t
interest me
if the story
you are telling me
is true.
I want to
know if you can
disappoint
another
to be true
to yourself.
If you can
bear
the
accusation of betrayal
and not
betray your own soul.
If you can
be faithless
and
therefore trustworthy.
I want to
know if you can see Beauty
even when it
is not pretty
every day.
And if you
can source your own life
from its
presence.
I want to
know
if you can
live with failure
yours and
mine
and still
stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to
the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t
interest me
to know
where you live
or how much
money you have.
I want to
know if you can get up
after the
night of grief and despair
weary and
bruised to the bone
and do what
needs to be done
to feed the
children.
It doesn’t
interest me
who you know
or how you
came to be here.
I want to
know if you will stand
in the
centre of the fire
with me
and not
shrink back.
It doesn’t
interest me
where or
what or with whom
you have
studied.
I want to
know
what
sustains you
from the
inside
when all
else falls away.
I want to know
if you can
be alone
with
yourself
and if you
truly like
the company
you keep
in the empty
moments.
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