So a couple of months has past in a blurr, and it seems my shift into a new decade has moved the ex into a nicer place, where the war has ended.  I am hopeful it lasts.
And as the news hits that he is intending to move in with the new girlfriend once he feels the kids are okay with it, I have been considering how to handle this.  For the kids sake - I have to embrace the new person, she will be their step mum.  I do not want my kids to take on my hurt and become disrespectful children out of loyalty to me. Makes me sick and brings tears to my eyes at the thought of it, but I will have to meet her and show the kids I am fine with everything, at some point in the future, once their Dad breaks the news that there is more to their relationship than just friendship.  She currently sleeps on the couch during their weeks - not all the time, just several times a week, and has been doing so for 6 months. The youngest does get angry with me about her presence sometimes, and when I asked how he saw it as my fault, his responce was that if I was still at Dad's, Dad wouldn't need to have her there. I know he likes her, and has fun with her, but I guess he has read more into the situatioin and gets upset and hurt by it too. Again not something I envisioned putting my child through, but well beyond my control. So I guess the only thing to focus on is finding my happy face and embrassing the situation, for the boys sake, so they can feel positive about it too, and respect her as the step mum in their lives, although inside I hate the thought they have a replacement of me every second week, for their sake I can't show that. I have been putting on my happy face for the last 6 months and always say positive things about her whenever she is mentioned, for I never wanted my children to feel their are limits as to what they can share with me.
So in my anaylsis of "where did I go wrong" amongst the moving on of my ex in leaps and bounds, I have discovered that I value investment.  I invest heavily in all that I do, I commit, and I follow through to the nth degree. I guess I assumed that those I invest in, also invest in me.  I didn't test this, I just assumed it - and I never really thought about double checking it. So I guess in criteria of any new relationships - investment, and actions to prove investment will be checked.
I used to poke fun at a male friend who had a checklist for potential wife material - for I hate been put in a box, or compared to a list, however I think maybe he knew himself better than I know myself.  Any I do not want to repeat the mistakes of the past, so I need to clearly know and understand my checklist, my hierchy of values, and truelly understand the sort of relationship I want with a partner, for I know now that love is not enough.

I always valued equality - but I guess to define that further I also need influence and investment. 

Influence: In that because of who I am, and the respect they have for me, I can influence a person, and because of who they are, and the respect I have for them, they can influence me - that compromise lives on both sides of the street.

Investment: They want something, they do more than take about it, they are capable and willing to go out there and get it, for recognising that risk is necessary to chase dreams, love...

I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.


Courage & Strength: to try, to give things a red hot go, to get up no matter what.

Intimacy: Thinking of a couple I know who have been together throughout my two failed relationships, I have seen them grow together over the years, they do not even contemplate going to things alone, their level of intimacy is amazing - and not they are not all loveydovey, but when they hold hands it really means something. The fit they have together has grown over the years, they are two of the most intelligent, independant and strong people in their own right, together they are even stronger - like pillars who stand alone, but when linked they can bare the weight of the world so much easier. That is what for me is the ultimate relationship - one that allows the strength of two to become one, without wiping out each other.

As I continue this road of self discovery I have also learned that every day I must start believing in myself and get a little grain of confidence back. I have been watching some movies to help inspire me, to see the courage of human spirit oversome the odds. In particular Blind Side and Invictus have moved me, so I leave you with the poem from William Ernest Henley:

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

The waiting place.....

Today is the midweek visit day - so the other parent gets to see the kids.  In the break up fall out, my organisation skills came under fire - so as a result I am doing my best to take the back step, and let the other party let me know about their visits, and initiate contact to do so.  Today it was another one of those nights spent in the waiting place.  The kids were blissfully unaware as I moved them through games and activities, dinner and bath time - before I finally folded and sent a text to find out if there was going to be  a visit.  Thankfully a phone call just prior to getting them out of the bath came through, saying they had been 'stuck' and could we try the visit tomorrow.  As the oldest got out of the bath he realised the day, and suddenly asked why Dad had not come to see them. I headed off the tears as quick as I could, at least I could truthfully say he had just called, and re-arranged for tomorrow.  The boys shrugged it off after the initial tears in the eyes, and then didn't want to call him (nightly calls), I told them how keen Dad was to hear their voices, so the call was made.  I don't know what situation would ever make you so 'stuck' that you forget to see the boys on your allocated night - or even call at an earlier time and actually explain to them (not me) that something has come up and you can't wait to see them the next day instead. I don't even know what sort of explanation 'stuck' is? So many better ways it could have been handled, that would leave them feeling less like they have been forgotten.  Meanwhile I can tell by my gut when it is 7pm on my non kids week - from 6:45pm onwards I have trouble doing anything - just waiting for the phone to ring to hear their voices.  I still feel tension on these mid week visits, the not knowing what or when they are going to occur, if they are taking place at my place or the kids being picked up (rare) or if they are having dinner out (1 so far) or not.  It is like the hap-hazard part of my life will never truly be over.  I always hated the waiting place, to steal the words of Dr Seuss:

The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting

 Waiting for the fish to bite

 or waiting for the wind to fly a kite

 or waiting around for Friday night

 or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

 or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

NO!

that's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying.

You'll find the bright places

where Boom Bands are playing.

So how do we escape the waiting place? and find the bright places?  On the surface I am confident the boys do not realise how I feel inside on those nights, but inner soul is tense, waiting, waiting, waiting, don't call him, don't call him, don't call him, he'll be here, he'll be here, he'll be here, he didn't forget, he didn't forget, he didn't forget....

How do I turn that off? Or in time will the effect be less?  

beyond the milestone......

so here I am, 40 and 2 days. So what does it feel like? I think the saddness has passed with the shift out of the 30s.  I don't doubt I am still going to have moments in tears, for every time I think I am done, another situation hits and they start again.  I am not a cryer - in fact few people will have witnessed me in tears - ever - so it is something unusual for me to break down, so I keep on thinking I am done crying, then a few weeks later the dam of tears breaks again.
The actual day, I took off to a beach house the night before with the boys, I simply wanted to wake up somewhere that meant something to me from my pre married days, the beach house I grew up going on all holidays there, orginially owned by my grandmother, now but my uncle.  The boys helped unpack the night before, so that the actual day - all we had to do was eat and play.  That is what we did.  The boys gave me cards in the morning that they had made. The oldest I think was stressing about not being able to get me a cake - said he didn't feel well, and maybe we shouldn't have cake today.  I told him that I thought we shouldn't have cake today - I wanted to do fish and chips tonight as a treat, so to have cake to would be too much.  He was really relieved when I said I didn't want cake - poor love - again not one of the things I want my child stressing about.  My best friend also arrived mid afternoon with her two kids. She had balloons and a banner - so the boys were so excited to be able to suprise me with her help.  They loved it, and I could see the relief and excitement in my oldest.  They were all exceptional all day - and so caring that I was to have a nice day.  It was touching, and that night I slept cuddled up between the boys, in a house that was built just before I was born. I think it is as close to being safe, snuggled, and loved as I can get.
Now - I feel like I have been released somewhat - the next few occassions I think will flow okay - this one was hard given we had discussed it a number of times and made some plans, and it was the exit out of an era that I walked into feeling fantastic. Probably the broken promises to myself hurt the most. I do still feel like kicking myself.
But now I have the familar rumble of determination in my gut.  The "lets go and kick some butt".  I had some simple goals written and stuck to my desk, I think I am going to get some old photos of my more fit days to add some power and focus to the goals.  For the first time it isn't just about a level of fitness, and ability to run fast, and have endurance - I want to look good.  And yes part of that drive is to render something with the ex.  To be clear - we are done, his decision, and one which after the last few months I am feeling more like I dodged a bullet, and that once recovered I will be happier and stronger than I have ever been.  It is the getting back to there - fighting to get fit and strong, again, with the added fun of having menopause as well. fighting to get my confidence, self worth, and trusting myself not to again repeat the same mistakes. 
So lets go - lets move out of the saddness -  and let the world hear me roar.

for the tiniest moment, lets be still

Another day closer....Lots of advice about being positive, and it's just a number, stop beating yourself up etc.  All good advice from amazingly great people.
But to really nail this - it isn't moving into the 40s that I have an issue with - for that gives me a decade to work with, decade to improve on myself, and it is only up from here, cause rock bottom does have that advantage.
It is the exiting my 30s at rock bottom, when I entered so much higher, and had expectations of myself, and promises to myself to achieve, and be happy, and beholden to no-one.  It is that disappointment that I do not measure up - on my own measuring stick - and it is my measuring stick that I have always strived to achieve and exceed. It was always my self measuring stick that counted.  I know on many levels I am not a failure - it is just the sheer disappointment in the shell of a person I have become, that I cannot escape at the moment. 
I am not sure that anyone really gets that.
The other thing - is I think I need to be still in the sadness - which is scaring the beeggees out of everyone I know, but I need to, in the words of my counsellor, give myself permission to be sad.
I think too often we move fast, to get to the next thing, to move on, to get over, to recover, that maybe that is why I have followed the same path in choices regarding partners.

Maybe to truly move on, I need to be still first?

I need to truly feel the sadness, the grief, the anger, the disappointment. I was given advice not to "dwell", cause that would lead to a bad place, understandable advice.  I think depression has become a thing people fear - and therefore to see sadness in someone - the overwhelming reaction in everyone is to say and do things to make that person happy or at least get them back in motion going forward - natural and commendable actions - however perhaps, for a moment, like the poem, we need to not try to shift it, fix it, move it.

Maybe, for the tiniest moment, we just need to sit with it, and if possible, have others sit with us in it too - just be there - don't talk, don't relate, just for a moment - just be.

I know I will get back up, I know I will go on, and I know I will recover - but for the moment - I think I just need to be - and let the emotions come - come what may.

I know I can celebrate the milestone age - some other time, what I can't change is the status quo of the exit out of my 30's.  I feel almost paralysed this week, like a deer in the headlights, it's like I wanted to start running and exercising and starting new projects, but at the same time I didn't, for I hate 1/2 arsed attempts, and I didn't want my 30s to end in a scrambled attempt to get one rung up on rock bottom.

It just adds to another reason to sit still this week, and let the emotions wash over me, for 40 will be a new beginning, with an Everest climb ahead of me, and a decade to make a difference.  It also gets out the way another occasion that was originally planned with a husband on board.  I think Saturday will bring a sense of relief almost, from the paralysing deer in the headlights week, from frantically feeling like I need to run, but only being able to be still instead as the train wreck of emotion hits me with full force.

So here I am in this moment, sitting with my pain, owning it, feeling it, and being still in it.
The challenge I guess is to others:

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

another day closer to 40

So 24 hours has past, most of last night spent in tears, unable to sleep til the wee hours of the morning. Lucky enough to have time with my youngest during the day, and the eldest after school. Found out the youngest was worried the new girlfriend hated me, but last night she said something nice about me, so now he thinks it is okay, she does like me. Not really what I wanted my 4 year old worrying about.

Also had a friend around, assuring me that I am doing really well.  I know in the scheme of things I am, I think the kicker is at 30, I made a promise to myself that all was going to be better, for my 20s was spent in a violent and not good relationship, that ended when I was 27.  Having come out of that fearing for my life, by the time I hit 30 I was ready for good times, good fortune, and happiness, and I was prepared, as always, to work hard for it. And I made a promise to myself that by my 40's I would still be fit and healthy, and really be happy.  So to hit 40 and not have fulfilled my own promise to myself - well I feel disappointed.  Like my 20's I have spent my 30's on trusting, having faith, and loving a person who treats me now like I am a piece of dog poo on his shoe. I am disappointed in my choices, I am disappointed in the faith I lost in my self along the way, and though I am the same size - I am no where close to being as fit and healthy as I was (fixable I know).

I deliberately dug out photos of my 30th today - for I remember feeling good about the way I looked on that day - now I can't even afford a hair color - nor have the sparkle in my eyes.  I think that is the big thing - I expected more from myself - and I have come up short, real short. While I know from here I need to focus on the future, set goals, keep the bigger picture in mind - my heart aches with disappointment.  Having had experience at rock bottom moments, I know these are the times that define a person, these are the moments that if you were watching a movie, you would be sitting there willing the person to get back up and fight another day. And I know I keep getting up, no matter the knock backs, the crap that has been slung at me, the abuse, the accusations, the threats, despite it all I have remained true to my spirit and soul, kept my head and remained calm and level headed. So I guess to those around me I have survived the worst, and should be revelling in the quiet after a ferocious storm, that I stood through and stayed strong through.

Yet I feel that in this quiet, I am now on my knees, with a cry of anguish that seems out of place, and is entirely unexpected.

Maybe it is the hurt seeping out, maybe it the disappointment, maybe it is the sadness of what my children have been going through, and what more is in install for them, that I have no say in. Maybe it is just life's sweet sorrow - a term I now feel I understand.

While I know the day I turn 40 will be uneventful, and truly just another day, it will also be end of the decade that was my 30's - maybe that is reason for the tears, for I entered my 30's with such hope and expectation, despite the hell I had been through, and to end them in such despair, hardly seems right. It was the decade of trying to follow my dreams, change career, then met a bloke, and threw it all in the air, on a dream of a family, being a wife, of having a home, of a happy ever after - that clearly only existed in my head. I think that is what hurts the most - I threw it all away to follow my hearts desire, and ended up in a broken place, with far less than I had before, and my soul stripped bare. While I have two beautiful boys, that make it all worth while - it is a double edged sword - for the very thing that makes it all okay - is also the very thing I cannot have more than 50% of their lives, and therefore my life has a duality I cannot come to terms with, a single side -  when all I wanted to do for the last 7 1/2 years was wake up to the same person every day, for the rest of my life.
I leave you with a poem, I have held dear since finding it, about 12 years ago.  One which I very much thought I had found the person who would stand in the fire with me, but I know now I was mistaken.

I also leave you with this, despite it all - I would do it all again - for as broken as I am, as the hurt seeps out of my soul, with my hand on my heart I at least know that I did remain open by life's betrayals, I did all I could to stand in the fire, I definitely did all I could to get up and do what needs to be done for the children - regardless of how bruised to the bone I have been, and I will strive to remain open once again upon recovering from this decade of betrayal.

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me

what you do for a living.

I want to know

What you ache for

and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...

I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know

if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

I want to know

if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations

of being human.

It doesn’t interest me

if the story you are telling me

is true.

I want to know if you can

disappoint another

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear

the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

I want to know

if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me

to know where you live

or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me

who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me

where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know

what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know

if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like

the company you keep

in the empty moments.

so here I am

Hi world...anyone out there?
Here I am. I am about to turn 40 in a couple of days, and had a few mums at the boys school ask what I was doing to celebrate... here's the thing - I know I am doing okay, my boys are well and safe etc, but if I was to do a graph of my life, this moment would be a long way from the peak.  How does one go about making a celebration for a milestone age, when life at the moment was not as one had planned or foreseen 12 months ago? So here is the mental run down I have been doing in my head all evening:
at 18,21,30 I owned a better cars than the one I own right now
at 18,21,30 i owned better furniture and house contents than what i have right now, at the moment I still go to cook things and discover that i do not have the cooking utensils to do so.
at 30 I made double what I earn now, my hourly rate hasn't be this low since i was about 25.
I am back to renting, after walking away from the house in the separation - I hope to get some money by the end of the year - but considering the 4 years I have put into the mortgage, to be back renting hurts, along with giving up all the joint hopes and dreams we had made in that house together.
I am single - and I believed our marriage was forever, and no matter how bad things got - i truly believed we would find a way, together, I was wrong and clearly stupid.
I believed in my husband, and for what he has done, the way he has acted, the way he has treated me - clearly I got it wrong, yet I gave so much. I went back to work so he could get out of a job he hated, although all I ever wanted was to be home to raise the boys - now I have lost that special time with the boys for someone that resented me working and now I only have 50% custody of them.
While I have a job that works around the kids, and I know in terms of being a single mum - I am doing okay - it just seems pretty lame to try and celebrate a milestone birthday, when 12 months ago I was planning to spend it on a family holiday. I am going to have a family holiday - just me and the boys, and only for a weekend away at a friends beach house - cause that is all I can afford, amongst paying him child support, solicitor fees, and still buying its and pieces for the house each month.  Again - I know I am doing okay - and there are far worse off than me - it is just my personal graph that the moment dips low.
And I guess it is also the sadness of what I have put in for the last 20 years - amounts to not much, and losing the boys every other Friday, (week on, week off custody) after 8 months, still hurts beyonds belief. After I drop off the boys, I usually return home and sit in my car for 30 minutes, playing on my phone - anything, to avoid walking back in the house without them.  Then when I do make it in the house, I stay in the lounge room and even sleep there, to avoid walking past their empty rooms, cause 7 more sleeps without them is just torture. Some weekends it takes til Sunday before I can walk to my bedroom at night. 
Seeing as the other half has moved on months ago with a new partner (allot younger), I know the expectation is I am moving on, but really all I am doing is getting by.  I still can't believe how different he has been to how I thought he was - I don't even like the person he has become around me - yet part of me will love him forever despite it all. And I know we have many years of parenting ahead - so our lives will never be totally apart.
While I have been saying age doesn't matter, it is just the time you have been here, not what you have done with your life - I look at what I have done, and I guess right now it amounts to very little to show for it, and a whole lot of misplaced loyalty and trust and love. At 30 I was fit, healthy, strong, confident, secure, respected, so to advance 10 years, have less, lack confidence & self belief, unfit and feel the saddest I have ever felt - every 2nd week - it is a little hard to go out, throw a party and have fun. I love birthdays and special occasions, and I so wish I wasn't hitting a milestone birthday this week -  maybe next year I would cope better - but right now - I just want to hold my boys, breath and get through the day.
As for the title of the blogg, it is from a line form the Snow Patrol song: You could be happy.
For most nights I dream, and for the tiniest moment, it's all not true.
I have no idea why I wanted to put all this on a blogg, when I don't share this with anyone, but maybe, just maybe, some will find this and know in the sea of emotion post separation - they are not alone. Maybe some good can come out of all this. For me - I value the greater good - so maybe, by laying my soul bare - some good can come of it.